Somehow, through switching schools and living places so much, I have learned to write off lost friendships rather quickly.

And I sit here now, fully prepared to do it again.

I've spent a lot of time recently looking back on my past. From high school to college, I only brought a handful of friendships with me. From college to know, only another handful has come (and some of those are falling between the cracks).

And the sad thing is? Losing friends like this has become too easy.

I've been sad recently. There has been a lot of drama that has popped up in life. I know there are people out there with worse lives and less money than I have, but regardless, it's been a damper on my spirits.

I do have the most wonderful fiancée by my side, however. She is such a comfort to be able to run to and talk to. I do not know where I would be without her.

I also have a select group of friends who helps me get away from everything, and knows when to ask questions and when not to.

And, it is these few friends who I am actually concerned about losing.

I am also concerned about never having a passion again. I just feel like my life has already turned into the work-eat-sleep-work-eat-sleep-work-socialize-eat-sleep pattern of a 50-year-old man who just found out he doesn't have enough money to retire.

This isn't right.

I'm 22, college-educated, and engaged to a beautiful, wonderful woman.

Why do I feel like this?

I sit here...

...with a backpack half packed, ready to toss it in my truck and leave.

...wishing I didn't own so much crap so that leaving wouldn't be so difficult.

...wondering why its so difficult for me to be happy anymore.

...knowing that the main reason I am leaving is not money, or stuff, but because of one person.

...knowing that "that one person" knows who they are (because if they don't, then it's not worth staying).

...wanting to cuss and cry and just leave.

...wishing I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

...wishing I could go back out to the comfortable spot I'd found on the loveseat to read.

...getting evermore irritated with the things I keep forgetting to do.

...wondering what it will be like to have my own house, my own food, and my own parking spot some day.

...packing the last few things in that backpack, just in case.

Inconsistency

That is what describes my blogging pattern.

That also describes my emotional pattern lately.

In some good news, I have been having the time of my life with the love of my life. We've been having so much fun together, wedding planning, hanging out, yelling at the dog, getting not-on-our-diet ice creams together. I simply cannot wait to marry her. It's going to be the best day of my life.

I upgraded (or changed, I should say...no, no, it's definitely an upgrade) my computer to Linux Ubuntu. This operating system is GREAT. I cannot believe how much smoother, more powerful, and more user friendly it is than windows. I'm proud to be an Open-Source PC.

I'm hitting the woods hard this year hunting. Or at least that's my game plan. The Woman's mom said they'd pay for my tags if I gave them some deer meat, which is an alright deal for me. I am planning on giving all my deer meat to either the Woman's family or my parents, since Daddy isn't hunting this year.

On job search fronts, I don't have a full-time job, but I did get extended at State Park until November 1. That means two more months of predictable pay, and two more months to find a big boy job.

I found the motorcycle I want. Now it's just coming up with the cash for it.

I made my Christmas List last night. Hardest thing I've done all year, I think. I realized I don't want too much more in life. Everything I asked for was basically a luxury (assuming my parents know that I am still wanting soap, shampoo, etc., etc.), and I'll be able to survive without any of it. Oh well, it was still fun, and I still cannot wait to open everything up on Christmas morning.

Well...that's about it. There is other news and other things on my brain, but nothing I feel like putting into words. Time to go grab another cup of coffee and maybe start cleaning my stuff up from around the house (my grandparents are coming in on Monday). Adios!

Reflections and Musings on Good Rap Music

I sit here, the only one at the house, drying laundry and waiting to go housesit.

So, I decided to throw Asher Roth's Asleep in the Bread Aisle on. Oh. My. Goodness. This is a super legit album.

This album is a throwback to what hip-hop and rap used to be -- creative, energetic rhyming about whatever you see around you. Yes, a lot of rap is dominated by bling, girls, and drugs. But there is a select amount of hip-hop that has a message, or at least a topic base that is original and unique. Roth represents this select amount of hip-hop with Asleep...

On a side note, where did Busta Rhymes go, and why has he just randomly appeared on Roth's album?

Hip-hop like this inspires me to get back into writing, but I know I will get caught up in the generic and unoriginal again. Oh well, I can live vicariously through legitimate albums like this.

Definitely pick up this album. Asher Roth is a legitimate emcee, and definitely does his thing.

And always remember, real hip-hop is not played on the radio.

I just want to move past my years at Bible College. But I can't. Mostly this is my own fault for not telling people to just shut up and grow up when I should have.

I made a trip to Frankfort today for the State Park. That was fun. No tourists, the open road, and classic country on the radio. I was happy.

I think the Woman and I are going on a date night tonight. I don't clock in until 2PM tomorrow, so I can stay out late. This excites me a lot.

I've been getting upset a lot lately. Mainly it's my own problems that I can't just swallow down. *see first statement of this post*

Hey, guess what? I finished Vintage Jesus. One of these days I'll post a review of it. I can say this though: GREAT book. A must read for any Christian.

Now I've started No Angel by Jay Dobyns. I am super excited for that.

Time to eat dinner and shower before my date.

What I wish for is...

...to be able to wear a kilt (more specifically, a great kilt) without getting goofy looks from people.

...to find a job where I can work with people, with my hands, and for God.

...a motorcycle to cruise around on my day off.

...my fiance to be on the back of the motorcycle listed above.

...this blog to be more than random postings, and actually do something for the Lord.

...to be back behind the pulpit, preaching somewhere.

Musings from the Hill

So, I got online to check email, application submissions, etc., and am now fighting the urge to window-shop for a few different things. I know window shopping is harmless, but it normally ends up stressing me out, because I try and finagle my budget to fit an item I really can't afford, then end up upsetting myself. But that is neither here nor there.

I've been reading a book called Vintage Jesus by Mark Driscoll recently. You should check it out. It's a discussion of the different qualities and characteristics of Christ (such as His humanness, the virgin birth, etc), using the Bible and early church fathers and historians as reference. I have really grown (and laughed!) while reading this.

I'm missing the Woman. She came back for two days last week, only to leave again for a wedding in Florida. So now I'm alone until Thursday...but then she is home for the rest of the summer! =)

Just wanted to throw a quick update up. I need to grab some dinner, then do some reading. And then I'll probably end up doing that window shopping after all. Oh well.

This summer...

...has been pretty good.

Two days after graduation the Woman left me to visit her relatives in the Cold White North. After that, I received a phone call saying that the Boy Scout job was a no go for at least a year. However, my old job at the State Park is still open, so I've been working that.

That job has changed since the last summer I worked there. While I was used to a generally 9-5 schedule, things have been shifted around. Because of White Nose Syndrome, we have had to close down three of the caves here at the State Park. This syndrome has proven fatal in 90-100% of bats that it infects, and since State Park houses 65% of the endangered Indiana Brown Bat found in the entire state of Kentucky, we are working very hard to keep WNS out of the state, and more specifically, out of our park. Hence shutting down three caves (which happen to be the three biggest bat hibernacula) to prevent humans bringing the fungus that causes WNS on their clothes. (If you'd like to know more about WNS, or how to help, please refer to the link above, leave a comment, or email me.)

So anyway...back to my work schedule. Because of closing down three of the caves, we have had to find other recreation programs and tours to provide things for the tourists to do. This means a lot of working odd hours, coming in late, and staying even later. For example, today I am working 2:30-8:30, doing a couple of tours but mainly helping out with the tye-dye that is going on this evening.

So I've had all this to keep me busy while the Woman is away. That, combined with finding out my cousin is pregnant, among other family news I'll not broadcast over the internet, I've had a pretty eventful three weeks.

But the biggest event of all comes tomorrow, when my fiance comes home to me!!!

I cannot simply explain my excitement through words on a screen. I cannot wait, and everytime I think about it my insides get jumpy because it makes me so happy to see her again. I'm making her a super-special "I loved you and miss you and never leave me for that long again" banana-cream pie, and I've also gotten her a small present.

And while I do not want her to leave me again, she will. There is a wedding next weekend that her and her family are attending, and throughout the course of our lives together, there will be many things that she goes to that I cannot. But that is ok.

While I have HATED this time we have spent apart, it has been good for us. We have learned how to talk and communicate over the phone; we have learned that we do not have to be in constant text-contact to remain in love. Basically, we have learned how to survive while on a hiatus from one another, and that is a good thing. Distance makes the heart grow fonder...but it also makes the relationship work better.

So this is where I get preachy. For all those young couples out there, if you're in a serious relationship, do yourself some good: spend some time apart. I know a lot of the young couples I knew at Bible College were forced to do this, as they lived many many miles apart for one another. I'm not trying to tell you it will be easy, and I'm not saying it's going to make you ready for marriage. But what I am saying, is that if you approach this time as a chance to learn how to better communicate, and to pray for and love one another even when not in 24/7 contact, you will grow deeper in love. Or you may realize other things about your relationship.

I'm glad that this long distance has solidified my love, and I am so glad to have the Woman in my life. And in just a little over 36 hours, she'll be back in my arms.

Set up for the fall

I need to stop setting myself up to be let down.

Since graduation I have had some pretty down times. I found out the job with the Boy Scouts is a no-go for at least a year. I have also been on the verge of buying a few things (things that would make me happy and I would get more than what I paid for them back out), and have had to back down because of financial issues.

All in all, it's just really frustrating.

And I am tired of whining to the Woman about it so I'm turning to Blogger and whining to the masses of people who read my blog. Or at least that's what I tell myself while I type.

I just want to be in a place where I can buy toys that make me happy. Maybe that's worldly of me, and I'm not trying to advocate the "He who dies with the most toys, wins" lifestyle. I just have a few interests that I would like to satisfy, but I can't do that with little money coming in, and a future beyond this summer being very unsure.

On the upside, I start working at an old job of mine tomorrow. The work at State Park is very fun, and pays quite well, so I guess I just need to keep my chin up and keep on praying.

Thanks for letting me whine.

So, I'm engaged...

Just thought I'd throw that out there.

I realized this morning I hadn't written anything about it, so I decided to. However, Woman has written the whole story out, so I will steal from her:

Actually, no, I'll write it myself.

So Wednesday I took the Woman out to the dock at the lake we first hung out at this summer. She made a joke about how she had decided on that day to never see me again, then we stopped and park. She was amazed by geese (she contemplated chasing them) as I looked at something that was "broken" in my trunk (or so I told her).

I hobbled around the car (I threw my back out Tuesday) with a giant bouquet of white daisies and one red rose (I had these hidden in the trunk). She saw them, grabbed them, smelled them, then started clamoring about how beautiful they were and how sweet I was. Then I fell down to one knee (literally fell, see the first sentence in this paragraph), produced a ring, and said, "Will you marry me?"

And...

She threw the flowers down and started crying/laughing/screaming/hugging me.

After a 20 minute tear/laugh/shriek debacle, she said, "Yes, yes I will marry you."

I was very happy. And still am.

I am quite glad for all the encouragement and congratulations we have received. Thank you to those who know who they are.

That's it, other than school winding down and sleep getting scarce. Later y'all.